[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
BRO LMFAO
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.