@Dutch_50

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

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@ArfMeasures

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest

@just1fool

I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man

@GashleyMadison

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

@Purple_whipped

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@ChabbyD

You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.

@Bob_Janke

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

@JillianKarger

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses