My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.