The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
You Might Also Like
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Breaking news:
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord