My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
oh u like geography? name every lake