@leahlovescheez

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

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@pilau

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

@bigmacher

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@slaughthie

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@HeyZeus666

I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.

@JohnLyonTweets

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.