My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not