My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”