My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I have never related to anyone more.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.