“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Merica.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Roses are red, you always mattered,
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.