@ToxicProbably

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@WilliamAder

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes ๐Ÿ™‚

@Parkerlawyer

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, โ€œI paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.โ€

17, โ€œHave u seen my adderal?โ€

@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

@squirrel74wkgn

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.