Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
i put the “:/” in “http://”.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.