My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
You Might Also Like
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place