My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
SPLOOT
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.