I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds