@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

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@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@ObviouslyJustMe

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@2Saddington

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@MartaEffing

I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?

@__ariannalp

crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons

#coronavirus

@DurtMcHurtt

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.