You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?