@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

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@MatCro

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

@tackoftheJar

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

@honestly_mom

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

@Daily__Owls

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

@gwatts77

A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs…by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.

@jonnysun

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@GashleyMadison

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

@Sickayduh

Good cop: You have the right to remain silent

Girlfriend cop: What’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you’re lik

@aotakeo

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me