I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?
Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!
Me: I’m in!
Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”
Me: I’m out!
My ideal woman:
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag