@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

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@Tmoney68

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@NewDadNotes

Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?

Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!

@quesoforone

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

@AtticusFinch79

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

@D_Ciphered

My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!

Me: I’m in!

Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”

Me: I’m out!

@LlamaInaTux

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc