My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
and now we wait
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Monica just destroyed the internet
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.