My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.