My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back


They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”


Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.


Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn’t panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them “people are about to die”. Then Hung up.


Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook


Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…