I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.
You Might Also Like
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-
Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.