@CoreyNotKori

My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

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@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

@paulablu22

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

@SomthinBoutSara

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@GreenEyedJedi

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

@TommyWallace

Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.