My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.


A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”


hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”


If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE


When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with


I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.


Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.