@PaperWash
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
@vineyille
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
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@PaperWash
@WilliamHale1
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
@robin_991
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
@Brianhopecomedy
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
@briangaar
The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops
@novicefather
I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
@BlairLoudly
I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.
@MatCro
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
@AlmightyBored
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.