My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
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Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
same bro
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on