@vineyille

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

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@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

@robin_991

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@briangaar

The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops

@novicefather

I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.

@BlairLoudly

I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.

@MatCro

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.