
I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor
Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever