@vineyille

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

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@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@briangaar

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

@_salt_n_lime

Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor

Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.

@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@copymama

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@Kateness8

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

@dafloydsta

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever