@i_zzzzzz

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

You Might Also Like

@stephenjmolloy

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

@Matt_the_1st

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

@UnFitz

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@SirEviscerate

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.