Dude: You got a light?
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.