My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My time has come.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.