“I think we should spend some time apart”
“Ok that was enough time”
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.