If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
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Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Me: No boys.
Me: No thanks.
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes