@AnOrangeSNES: CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they're so HER: No CHEMIST: very funny HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny CHEMIST: Na

@JessBWatson: I'm not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

@juliothesquare: The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.

@carlyken: [bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

@caithuls: [calling front desk] ME: Hey can y'all wash these sheets for me CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty? ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah