@charliedelta7
@squirrel74wkgn
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
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@squirrel74wkgn
@Ygrene
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
@SteelFontana
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.
@Cheeseboy22
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
@dave_cactus
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
@junejuly12
When this is all over, Iβm going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
@MeganGetsMoney
Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.
@Alex_N_Chains
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
@jeff_ratfamily
A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay
@BertCarrillo
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.