My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.

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[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”


“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters


I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube


me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin


At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground


Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.


As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.


barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
[20mins later]
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question


Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.