My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.

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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*


Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA


If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.


If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.


ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*


When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.


Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.


I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.


A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay