@DrinkingatWork

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

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@NoogsCorner

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.

@holyscum

boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there’s enough space in ur office

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

@JediGigi

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

@Tmoney68

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

@GrantTanaka

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

@97Vercetti

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

@Daveastated

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@RickAaron

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.