My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?