An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there’s enough space in ur office
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.