@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@astutenewf

Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.

@coketruck76

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@WorstCassie

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

@iGreenMonk

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.

@cdpeck

It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.