[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.