[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.