my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
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Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.