@FredTaming

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

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@LindaInDisguise

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

@bylinetd

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@Schmoodles

My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”

@sixfootcandy

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

@EndhooS

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

@wilw

Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.