I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
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My body language is more audible than visual.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
Her: Go deeper!
Me: *panics and start quoting Hemingway*
My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.