My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!


“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*


What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.


Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.


[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?


[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.


Ladies, do you think you’re hip and cool? Do you think you’re stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.