My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

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[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?


me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it


DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.


If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?


I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.


Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat


I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I’m going to pass them out to kids.


Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.