@_salt_n_lime

My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

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@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@AnOrangeSNES

“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*
“Yes”

@Underchilde

What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

@TheMongoose69

Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.

@DaddyJew

[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

@TheTweetOfGod

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

@taramae72

Ladies, do you think you’re hip and cool? Do you think you’re stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.