My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’