‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.