My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?