@RoyalThough

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

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@squirrel74wkgn

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

@Reverend_Scott

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

@lloydrang

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

@realHamOnWry

If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.

@kyry5

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

@YouWillGo2Hell

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@dongfuture

*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*

@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.