I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe
*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*
*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.