My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien