Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I got bills
They’re multiplying
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.