My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
How dude HOW?!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
my professor scared me for a second
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.