if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans