@DrRocktopoid

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

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@Phoebetate

Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead

@MGolicJR57

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@KrangTNelson

stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman

@SamTR7

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Fly
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

@jordan_stratton

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

@TheHatStore

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

@TheAlexNevil

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.