My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

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*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.


Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?


I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.


Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk


“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn


me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak