*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
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Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk
a trip to the doctor
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
what do i do next
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak