My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.