My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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