My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

You Might Also Like


[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no


If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.


[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?



Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…


Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290


I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.


You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.


[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly


A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register