My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?