@jessokfine

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

@Lisabug74

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@Reverend_Scott

u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset

@iwearaonesie

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

@tweetsbyrocket

me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]

@Monicake0128

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?