[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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Family: So how did you two meet?
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life
-ride a bike
-read a good book
-make a sacrifice to the dark lord
-watch a sunset
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: someone we know is possessed by an owl
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: are you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*
[2 hours later]
Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U
Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*