@jessokfine

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

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@BenSasse

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

@pro_worrier_

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

@ObscureGent

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@AJslackie

I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.

@Izianikapani

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws