@jessokfine

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

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@david8hughes

[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no

@randomnloveit

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@RatchetAfrican

Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…

@offbeatoliv

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

@mom_ontherocks

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

@SaltyCorpse

You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@DirtMcTurd

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register