My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.


Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.


u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]


Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?