My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Not today.. 😂
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit