@ohpeetie

My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.

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@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

@patnspankme

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

@FXTVaddict

Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@mostly_cheese

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

@TheNextMartha

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

@Sassafrantz

My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren’t homeless, they’re customers.

@pilau

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

@comotethomas

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me