*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
wow he looks just like him
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us