@free_mattress

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

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@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

@robin_991

Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant

@mrtiredeyes

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@upsidedowntrash

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

@thedadvocate01

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

@Quartzjixler

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.