My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.