My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.