@beefman138

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

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@KyleSmells

when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop

@portmanteauface

The inventor of Pringles: what if we combined the best part of playing tennis with the best part of not playing tennis

@rorynotroy

id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@SarcasticSadOne

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

@dlicj

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

@krisv_723

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

@MunkMania

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.