[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle