“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.