My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
wow
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks