all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Phonetics
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.