[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that
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I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
me: there’s a man in my house
911: what’s he doing
me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time
911: sounds like you’re hosting a party
me: please send help
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”