@ibid78

[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that

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@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@MelvinofYork

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

@kumailn

Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”

@Sally5977

If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

@MUMSIEesq

Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”