My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
this is the best day of my life
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.