Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.