My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
You Might Also Like
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.