@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

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@jctwritesstuff

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

@kiel_phillips

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

@laurenmacdonald

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@Fene2208

Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied

@castabignet

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

@AlishaMRM

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

@__candypants

I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.