My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
Me: *throat-punches him*


Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?


It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.


*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian


Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.


If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.


Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied


My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.


I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.


I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.