My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
#TopTip
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay