@doktorj

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

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@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

@thatdutchperson

[Court]

“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

Me: yes.

*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

@clindsaysway

Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing

@CamGurrrl

my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear

@amydillon

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

@Rrrrnessa

Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.

@withanewname

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

@InternetHippo

narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be