Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing
my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?